• Senza Nume

Real Life

Updated: Jun 3, 2020

The only way to bridge the gap is by creating opportunity...

#Perspective is reality

Understanding something you've never been through is not as difficult as you would imagine.

Let's try it together.

You were born with an addicted father and an emotionally unavailable mother who worked nonstop to provide for their family. You love them we are all fucked up. They did their best.

You are the oldest of two children. At a young age, you feel an obligation to your younger sibling and do your best to look out for them always.

Your parents separate and you feel lost. You try to be strong for your father and your mother and your sibling, but who is being strong for you?

You are 12 years old and trying to accept a new man in your home who has never been a father before and is incapable of providing anything other than relentless criticism.

At 14 years old you are sent to live in a third world country "boot camp" style environment and denied access to communication in all forms. You cannot talk or write freely. You are threatened daily. You don't know when you will be coming back to the USA and live in fear for a full year.

There are no teachers, there are no role models, you do your best to learn by teaching yourself out of books. You try to stay strong and hopeful but encounter abuse in various forms every day.

You push past the fear and live in hope until one day you get to return to your home in the United States. You are lost and confused. You are battling issues of abandonment, fears of continued abuse, you trust not a single living person and at 14 you have to face these issues alone. You search for understanding but never find it.

You run away, fight or flight, you are too weak to fight, flight is the only option. You have nowhere to go. You run to the streets and meet people who you are not prepared to protect yourself from.

The police find you and put you in juvenile detention. You spend the rest of your years 15-17 in and out of group homes and detention centers, yet you have never committed a single crime.

You are 18, you use the pain to motivate you and you get a job as a waitress. You are driven by fear of homelessness and abandonment. You want to go to school and you apply for financial aid but the federal government says no. They say your parents make enough to disqualify you even though you have been on your own for years.

You get pregnant at 19. You are scared and alone. You have no one to talk about the options with but you know that if you keep the baby you will get resources and you are not willing to have an abortion. You celebrate the pregnancy and do your best to cope.

New doors open. You can now obtain a medical card and get health insurance and financial aid for college. Things are looking up.

You are pregnant with your second child at 20. You turn 21 pregnant. You are unhappy in your relationship but love your children and are doing your best to attend school, heal, and be a good mother and wife.

The relationship is no longer sustainable. You have to leave but have no where to go. You leave your babies to your mother in law who you trust and know love them unconditionally.

You live in your car. You cry. You pray. You are scared but you keep going. You will not give up you have to stay strong for them they need you.

You find a job. You find an apartment. You continue your education. You try to save money but alone with two babies you are barely making enough to cover your rent.

You enter a new abusive relationship filled with lies and cheating but you stay. You try to make it work and you don't want to be alone anymore.

Three years go by and you are pregnant again. You think the baby is a blessing but no you are unstable and have no one to turn to for advice or guidance or help. You are pushed down the stairs while pregnant. You are ok. You are so grateful that the baby wasn't hurt and just want to make all the problems go away and give the baby and her brother and sister a good life. You stay in the abuse. You cope the best you can until you just can't anymore.

You find a small basement apartment for low rent. You are so grateful. You can be with your babies and feel safe.

You are unhappy and feel unappreciated in your job. You impulsively quit with no other income available. You get on welfare again. It just isn't enough to sustain your family of 4 alone.

You are weak and vulnerable but you haven't given up. You become obsessed with working out and trying to get stronger for your babies, for yourself.

You get a job doing bottle service. You are abused there. You are taken advantage of. You don't know how to protect yourself. You meet another man.

This man promises you love, and stability, and protection. He says he has resources and can keep you safe and take care of you and your children. You fall in love with him. You trust him. You do everything you can to show him that you are loyal and capable, and intelligent, and you are his rock as much as he is yours. You believe he truly loves you. You trust the things he says and believe he is looking out for your best interest.

You have no money and you are so exhausted. You are trying so hard to be a good mother, wife, woman, person. The man tells you he wants you to explore your sexuality. You never liked sex. You are traumatized by multiple sexual assaults in various forms. You have trust issues but believe in him. You begin to explore. He teaches you how to masterbate. He asks for more, and more, and more. You lose sight of who you are and continue to give with no second-guessing of his intentions.

You do what he asks you to do. You are barely making it. You are working in sex work now. You look in the mirror and don't even recognize your face.

You want to die.

You look to him for strength but he cannot help you. He is only there to push you to do the things that make him feel good. You are afraid to lose him. Who would ever want you after what you have been through.

You are yuck.

You are sad.

You are alone.

You want to die.

You can't die you have to live.

You pray.

You beg God for strength.

The man you thought would love and protect you forever has become more abusive, he lies, he cheats, he uses, he beats you, he pressures you relentlessly, he leaves, he comes back, he makes you think there is hope and then he snatches it away.

You try to work again.

You do well.

You are kind and compassionate and dedicated to success. You are feeling stronger.

NO he says

He beats you down again. He steals your medicine. He makes you weak mentally and physically.

You can't get away no matter what you try.

You see him doing and saying things that you can't make sense of. You seek help from any and everyone you encounter.

Strangers, family, friends, your doctor, even your boss.

No one is coming to save you.

You give up.

They take away your kids.

You lay in bed and cry. If I don't have them I have to die.

NO I cannot die I have to live.

They need me.

You are tired.

You are bruised.

Bruises heal.

You go to the court for protection.


2,079 views1 comment

Recent Posts

See All


Well the pandemic surely changed things in my life. I am 100% sure that many of you can relate to that. To get you up to speed, I have been reconstructing my entire life from the ground up. Pre pandem

Under Pressure and Exhausted

Have you ever been hunted? Could you even begin to imagine what it might feel like to be hunted? In a modern world with cameras, camera phones, internet, and countless other ways to stay connected at