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It's been awhile... so sorry for the delay.</3

What in the actual fuck is happening again

I pray so much. I am bouncing back quicker and quicker they have abused me so much I can feel my body turning to steel.

Okay so right now things are weird I might be allergic to my air bnb and i really love this one… bummer :(

I love Chicago I want to be here its my safe place. I have to sage in here.

UPDATE!

So I go to pick up some mail really just my Drivers License and Car Title from Mama Nellys place and there are probably legit 10k worth of tickets from the mail WTF is so hard not having a stable address and not being able to get a PO box. Drats… seems so weird the USPS should be allowing the homeless to have a place to send correspondence please.

Anyways Im supposed to be resting after the last incident :(! But I have so much work to do in order to straighten out alllllll of the shit that has fallen apart and also together due to the unfortunate but ultimately fortunate circumstances. Trying toxic positivity even though they say thats not the best (escapism) whatever im overwhelmed with the stalking and threats and weird shit ongoing and then the incident what the fuck.

Let me work on the situation with the tickets…

How can I resolve this if I have no money?

Should I apply for state assistance if I am almost certain the state has their personal reasons for targeting me… will that make them angrier? Why are they mad did they expect me to lay there and die?

After going through the tremendous pile of tickets and even a couple from Florida, I not only felt absolutely exhausted and in need of a drink (and i’m not a big drinker anymore) I came to the painful realization that the title for my car that I just painfully, but also proudly finished paying off was not in the pile. It was late, too late to call Capital One. Drats again! :(

Fastforward to the morning… some really bad vibe lady was cramping my space on the way to the gym for no good reason. Ugh… Okay now here is the part you’ve been waiting for… I have to start my workout while on hold with Capital One and they hang up on me twice after 30+ min hold times. Why Cap One? I love you guys… ughx2

Long story long, I finally find out that they sent the title to AMY (my former “business partner” and production assistant for when I was shooting content. She was my cosigner and didn’t help me at all in paying for that car she used it a few times when helping out with the kids and It was literally one of the most difficult things I have done on my own through blood sweat and tears and abuse and cleaning jobs and door dashing and the post reality show harassment, stalking, and numerous other advisterties. Why would they do that and how would she know that the last payment had even been made. A former address was the only address on file.

I am livid and unhinged! Literally yelling at no one as I stomp my out of the gym cutting my workout short and cursing every living and non living existence. (very bad vibe) I tell myself I need to calm down immediately I get in my car Crank up the jams and try to find my center as I take off on the 50 minute ride to Homer Glen.

Upon arrival I knock on the door and take a deep breath. My anxiety, sadness, anger, disappointment well up but I stay strong and breathe deep. I CAN BREATHE I WILL FIND MY BREATH I tell myself. I know I am not black and I am not against the police either, but there is so much to the movement that I can relate to.

Her Dad comes out and I tell him everything that has happened with me sometimes living out of my car and explain the falling out between Amy and I. I am a very kind person, but Amy was engaging in some behaviors that really crossed the line. She was also doing it unbeknownst to me around my children. HEART BROKEN.

Her father says Amy doesn't want to talk to me and that she is afraid of me. I say I have no ill will towards Amy. Amy has a problem with opioids and she needs help. That and other very risky and degrading behaviors that she engaged in not to mention the money and other misc items she took from me would cause a person to be fearful of someone else I suppose, but she has no reason to fear me. I yell and explode every once in a while and I am doing my absolute best to change that. It has gotten significantly better over the last year and I am dedicated to continuing that direction, but I am not perfect. I do not hurt anyone and would never. Its not my style, I prefer to love.

I give my number to her Dad and ask him to please have her call me or I will have to make another report and give him a 7 day window. I explain that I don’t to be more wasteful of court and police resources and that if I owe her for tickets we can sit down and go over who owes what to who. I don’t want to go back to the police again everytime I try to report abuse I end up in a worse situation. I am not saying they don't want to help, but given my very weird situation with so much corruption from all involved parties navigating for resolution is extremely convoluted and difficult to manage. So many moving parts.

Anyways I met a nice guy and gal on their way out and decided to day smoke pot because… not sure why I did it, it was def not a good idea… or was it… I am sitting at my computer writing right now, something I have been attempting to do for the longest time but haven’t been able to find opportunity for whilst also drowning in weird happenings and stressful encounters. I have been keeping up with daily workouts though, good job H! I usually just smoke pot to help me fall asleep. I think it actually got me moving.

I need to work on the case for the eluding thing. I feel like if I could really truly use my experience to prove the reaction was an involuntary trauma response to being held unlawfully so many times...

I'm sure there are thousands maybe more of people who could relate to having similar experience.



A poem to reflect on my experience:

The blessing in the chaos.

Tragic circumstances leading to major progress and a complete change in direction.

What do you desire.

Who do you want to be.

I am bored. I don't know a way out of this paper bag.

Im not crazy.

Im doing everything and Im not particularly enthralled with any of it…

I mean i enjoy it but I need a new project to spice it up.

A photoshoot perhaps? Opportunity ‘hold the poison please.’


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