• Senza Nume

I want to write more, truthfully it is absolutely exhausting to organize my thoughts.

I’ve been grateful, consistent, thoughtful, and motivated on my journey and healing tremendously.

Today I felt fear for the first time in a while as the emotional armour or numbness subsided for a few moments.

I cannot explain why I feel this feeling and have felt it many times in my life seemingly out of no where. It isn’t just anxiety. It is an intuitive response to the energy around me. I have to be careful who I discuss it with, however, due to the trend of being offered/ encouraged into a plethora of psychotropic remedies. I am not saying medication is not the answer for many things nor am I saying it hasn’t/ doesn’t help me with other issues, however it isn’t the solution to my situation.

I feel as though fear, like all emotions, is a necessary protective coping mechanism. While I do understand there is a such thing as irrational fear, there is also fear that is triggered in response to danger or threat of bodily/ other harm.

I am confused about how to do “better”. I am distrustful of the ISSA personal training course that was sold to me for $1 down, with the promise of not having to pay a penny more until job placement, and was charged $97 several weeks after enrolling without giving me any notice.

I also question the legitimacy of the information provided in the course.

I am very confused about my mom and the staff at xsport.

My family seem ok on social media, but the correspondence when we text is and always has been inconsistent. What makes it feel different is that the responses don’t seem like them. It feels like it could be someone else responding and pretending to be them as to not draw up any questions if they simply didn’t respond at all.

Are they safe?

There are many possible conclusions to be drawn from the information I have and while some of them are simple to understand others are far more complex and formed from a combination of reasoning, critical thinking, assumptions, and information both limited and full understanding -of various situations and events that I’ve not been able to 100% confirm, but have much evidence of being true.

I pray to god regularly, as I was taught as a child, because I feel like in circumstances beyond my control god is the only answer.

Am I selfish for seeking comfort, understanding, clarity, and direction?

I don’t want to be self absorbed in a way that is greedy or hurtful to others, but I do want to be able to focus on myself, my healing, and putting my family back together.

I don’t want to be needy, I try very hard to take care of my needs on my own whenever possible, sometimes even cutting corners I feel are morally wrong. For example: stealing a bottle of nail polish remover.

I reason long and hard before doing something like that. I consider the consequences of getting caught, the consequences of how I will be treated if I go to work or interact while having unkept visually unappealing finger nails, and I consider the possible opportunities I could be overlooked for if I were to show up to work or something with an unkept physical appearance.

As I’ve stated before, my appearance matters in the way I’m treated. Like it or not.

I am grateful for life even though sometimes I feel like under certain specific hardships and circumstances I would rather be dead. That feeling doesn’t last long, it typically comes when I’m physically and mentally so exhausted that I doubt my ability to continue. I don’t really want to die, what I want is stability and/or assurance in my living situation, financial independence, and a way… a way to take care of myself and the people around me, a way to contribute back to society and uphold my own self imposed moral obligations in my community.

I am fearful of sharing my truth, especially the aforementioned paragraph above because I don’t want to be condemned or misunderstood.

The world is beautiful, I believe that because I have seen, experienced, and felt so many of its beautiful attributes. How do I mitigate my current life circumstances in a way that’s conducive to my continued growth and development when my options seem so limited due to various conditions such as financial hardship, isolation from family and friends, new mobility concerns, unemployment, and transportation issues.

I am terribly uncomfortable riding on the bus. I would walk 5-10 miles to avoid doing so, it isn’t an ego thing it’s some feeling of being on the bus which has predictable routes and tracking mixed with a feeling of not being in control.

I am not a secretive person at all, quite the contrary, I have had to make many intentional changes to avoid over sharing all the time which I still find myself compelled to do randomly. It’s a vibe I feel that opens me to sharing it’s a vibe of reception and genuine desire to understand from the person/people I’m interacting with at that time that helps me chose who and when to share, but even with all of that consideration I question almost immediately after conversing if I should have said less, more, or something different.

I was so happy to be employed as a personal trainer, but why… was it because I enjoy sitting at the gym all day offering help to strangers, was it because I felt like socially it’s a responsible role, was it because of the financial incentive associated with success, was it because I thought being a part of that organization would allow me insight and clarity as to what’s happening/ has happened in the neighborhood, or with my mother, was it a combination of all of those things?

Why do I continue to have vivid thoughts of a hostage situation going at xsport? I don’t know the owner personally, but I feel that he is under pressure of some kind and I suspect it’s somehow spilled over to others in the organization.

I’m confused and I feel overwhelmed at the thought of trying to figure out all of the answers, but how can I rest with concerns so heavy on my mind?

Why do I still feel connected so deeply to Dylan?

Why did the police officers have a sign hung up on a piece of pink paper that said “send help” when I went to the station looking for housing resources?

What do I do with all of this knowledge and who needs to know vs who would be negatively impacted by the knowing? Am I doing a service or disservice in sharing?

A young boy walked by the door of the area I’m resting in about an hour ago and said, “I’ll bash her head open again.” A second voice slightly muffled said “no come on” to which the first voice said, “why?”

I don’t know this boy, nor do I know this area of Chicago where I am currently sleeping. I have been here 1.5 nights now and it appears to be family oriented, and filled with life despite the multiple and numerous business closures up and down the streets. When I engage with the people they seem somewhat on edge/confused but friendly enough.

I wanted to take my daughter to the park this afternoon but something inside says it’s not the right time.

While moving the sofa I’m sleeping on (thank god for access to this space) I hit my toe and 90% of the nail detached from the foot.

I don’t have any antiseptic or bandages but something inside me feels like it’s better to wrap it and elevate it and lay down here locked inside than it is to wander around looking for a bandage or something.

I don’t know where I will receive my next dollar, which is anxiety producing in itself, but I do feel optimistic, hopeful, and confident, that it will come and everything will be alright again. I have not considered any sexy work in any capacity for+ two years now, but I also have not felt a desire to be sexual with anyone for any reason. I have been aroused 4-5 times but I don’t desire sex and I ponder frequently if I will ever be capable of engaging in a healthy sexual relationship ever again. I hope to meet someone who I can enjoy sex with at some point, but it isn’t nor has it ever been a priority since the end of my previous relationship with Dylan.

I am constantly checking on/worrying about people from my past who most likely haven’t thought of me at all. I don’t engage with them or force my concerns into their awareness, this is simply for my records and understanding that I even mention it.

Cognitively I understand that I should forget about them all and move forward, ironically the more effort I put into doing so, the more they pop into my awareness via social media, mutual friends, or in memories sparked from walking around the city.

My car is still at Ben’s Towing in Valdosta GA and I have called multiple times to let them know I’m doing my best to work out a solution. Four different mechanics gave four different possible causes/ solutions and varying prices for each. One mechanic said he suspected it was a fuel injection issue while the other said it was the engine and that I needed an entire new one costing $3-$5k.

I considered parting the car out, selling it’s workable pieces individually, but how can I do that from Chicago with the car in GA and is that the best solution, I also considered donating the car to veterans fund or cars for kids, but am unable to do so due to the interception of my title. Upon completion of my final payment late last year or early this year capital one confirmed they were sending the title, but my co-signer contacted them and requested they mail it to her parents house. She has been completely unreachable for over 2 years now. I drove to her parents home to ask them for the title or her contact information and her father said he could not provide it to me nor could he confirm she actually ever received the title. I have not had more than $250 in my bank account for quite some time, nor have I had a reliable address to pay the fee and request a duplicate title so I am unable to donate/sell the vehicle at this time.

How can I make an informed decision on any of the matters affecting my quality of life and growth/ direction with so many unknowns lurking around?

Where do I go from here?

I am not “crazy”.

I am capable and of sound mind, I do get very tired and overwhelmed at times and in the presence of certain triggers, for example while I showered at the gym yesterday, I heard a mans voice in the stall next to mine and freaked out. I was able to stay at work but was very distracted and on edge the remainder of the day.

Lastly, why on earth was I told I was never hired nor given authorization to begin working with xsport, but also that my membership had been terminated after 4 full days of employment with hundreds of witnesses, a completed background check from the employer, and full training/ access to the personal training computer system granted?

Wtf is going on?!

My accounts have been compromised and hacked again, most recently my Instagram that I planned to use for promotions of local businesses and my email addresses.

It’s exhausting to continue recreating and starting over, but that’s what I do because what else can I do…?

My final point for today is that free will is not always available in the capacity most people would imagine it to be, free will is affected by numerous circumstances. I move forward as I have been, with a genuine heart, pure intentions, and as much positivity, kindness, and compassion as I can.

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