You should be sad
Updated: Jun 3, 2020
you said I could have
my fucking records bro
a poem you inspired
today go out of your way
inflicted with intention I remain unaffected Perspective is reality
Look back wondering
did you ever love me
nope nope nope
I don’t wonder anymore
what I know is what I know
you WERE my person
all those years
you listened to my heartaches
you told me it would be ok
you told me I was beautiful
you showed me I was strong
you built my confidence but I was disposable
NEVERMIND the aftermath
you broke it back down
you broke me back down
but I paid close attention
I remember what you said
though the Illusion has faded
you taught me how to rebuild
you wrecked me
but I remember what you said
minus the negative
forget the outcome
the ugly things are real
the LOVE is real too
you taught me what to do
what to say to the girl
look in the mirror
I wish the best for you
So I’ve been trying to obtain copies of my medical records for a while now.
My original copies along with the signed medical records release forms I collected were taken by by X from my car when he pulled that whole “bend the key in the ignition shenanigan.“
I've been staying at Charlie’s for a couple days.
I call him yesterday and asked him for records. “Yes!” he says “My assistant Stephanie went through all of your paperwork and personal documents and put all your stuff in a box.
I am unaffected.
I don’t care what he does at all.
I want him to make good decisions.
I‘m done being sad/ disappointed when he doesn’t. Those days are long gone. I’m removed now. It’s not my life.
Before I leave Charlie’s place I give him a call.
I tell him I’m on my way and ask him to add my blow dryer, straightener, curling iron, and belts.
He says he is keeping the straightener and laughs, (I’m sure Stephanie was in the background saying she needed MY straighter... or maybe he needs it for the others...EITHER WAY, it’s cool babe you can keep it)
staying true to character 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️❣️😣
stealing from the poor... 🤬
IF YOU ROB THE POOR YOU ARE A SORRY LOSER. NO LOVE FOR REVERSE ROBIN HOODS. Please stop that.
It felt good getting that off my chest again. #Grateful 👇❌💰💔
Whatever dude have the straightener! that’s the universe reminding me that too much heat is damaging.
I really just want the medical records honestly the other stuff (my stuff) is a bonus.
I’m feeling confident as I head out the door.
maybe space is what he needed to stop being an evil heartless monster. Maybe by the end of the day I’ll have the records to send the lawyers and my detailed journaling from the time I spent in the hospital...
I speak with him from the car...
ETA 47 min
He says he needs me to wait for him or offers to leave it “between the doors.“
I pick leave it between the doors please.
He says ok.
I arrive at 2:30 open door #1 SURPRISE: No Box! Merp!!
I calm my anxiety before it starts... I’ve gotten really great at catching the anxiety right as it begins to creep up and eliminating it early.
”Maybe he or his assistant are in the house and will just bring me the box out, maybe it wasn’t out there because he hasn’t left the house yet... remaining optimistic...
NO SUCH LUCK
I go back to the car and call him.
I say, “The box is not there... have you left yet?”
He says that he had to go and he didn’t leave the box out because he thought he would be back, but now he has other stops before he comes back. Im a little annoyed but I calming say, “ok no prob” I ask when he will be back considering I drove all the way here only after confirming it was a good time and he says, “shortly.”
I wait 1 hour and call him again and he ignores my call.
All in all I waited about 2 hours AFTER driving 2 hours HE GOT ME AGAIN LBS...
Fuck my kind BLIND forgiving heart and inability to accept this Evil as real.
Excuses Excuses to this day I run through the most dramatic renditions of why and how a perspm could behave this way... Maybe he is protecting me from something... it just doesnt seem real. It is real. This is real.
I always think he will be a "normal" person, I mean I don’t expect him to move mountains in my favor but DAMN MAN.
He got everything from me.
I walked away. I gave up. He won.
The apartment the money... he had me committed and still I trick myself into thinking there is a chance for peace or regular interaction.
and I use the term "normal person" extremely loosely. When I say that I mean someone with a heart and a conscious. He is like a body with nothing inside other than greed and evil. Why do I still worry about him Why do I still wish he would change, why do I still hope he will turn his life around, why do I still see him in my dreams, he did what he set out to do. He BURNED his image and existence into my soul.
WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!
I always say to others
”when someone shows you who they are believe them”
why can’t I seem to remember that when it’s time for me to remember that?! UGH CURSE my forgiving heart and eternal hope for reform... lol
laughing to keep from really beating myself up over this type of shit. I just can’t give up on people
I have to believe they will make a better choice at some point.
In one last desperate attempt at not leaving without those records and taking the L for a wasted day trip, I called his mother and oddly had a lovely conversation with her. I truly appreciate the nice things she did for me regardless of the reasons behind them. It was so warm and familiar... it felt like I was talking to the lady I considered a close friend long ago...
I don’t even care if it was fake... it was the first time I’ve felt something other than contempt from her in a long ass time and it felt good.
Why do I care? This is the woman who DESTROYED my self esteem, called me fat and ugly, ruined my relationship, and was a constant source of hate and pain in my life. I shouldnt care but I do. FML Heather what the hell... I dont even know. She is a really upbeat person and it somehow helped me not feel so disappointed about getting tricked and wasting the day.
She said she would try and call him.
I never got the records.
Never heard back from either of them. Charlie started his abusive shit via text while I‘m driving back He says his daughter told him to throw me out.
He does this when I do anything other than clean up after him all day. I cleaned the entire place twice in the three days I’ve been there. Maybe that’s his way of telling me he misses me or something... or maybe that’s what I say to myself to make it through the night. I’ll sleep there tonight and reassess in the morning.
I’m too tired for anything else.
Im too tired to start searching for another place to find shelter right now.
I decide I will force myself to vibrate above the low vibes being shot my way ALL DAY...
I will not cry out of frustration. I’m strong 💪🏻 No more tears.
Instead I started reminding myself of how grateful I am. For my car. For my clothes. for the last 3 nights I slept safely indoors and had food to eat and water to drink. For my children and the ability to FaceTime with them everyday. For my life and my chance to work my way back to independence. I am blessed. I am grateful.
I get home and sit in the car for 30
I go inside and put my headphones in... I clean the kitchen and do the dishes. I cook dinner and I start to write. I am my therapist. I have all the tools I need inside of my soul. I will always be ok.
I decide the best way to respond is with no response.
I won’t allow those low vibes to penetrate my peaceful bubble.
I eat dinner... Banza chickpea pasta with ground turkey meat sauce and a sliced up cucumber.
I clean the kitchen again.
I’m tired time for bed.
This is for the record. BTW