Post traumatic stress disorder has been a recurring issue for me over the years.
It is not a diagnosis that has removed my ability to function, but it has definitely been one that has affected the way I function and the reason I do things in a certain particular way. I thought that avoiding the triggers was all the healing I needed until I realized that avoidance and healing are not the same at all.
I have all the tools I need to overcome this diagnosis.
It took me many years to acquire the traumatic experiences and I know that it will be a journey for many years to heal from them.
I just wish other people understood that.
The biggest hinderance in my healing has been becoming frustrated with myself because I am not "fixed" as completely or as quickly as others want me to be.
I become inpatient with the process when I feel pressure and judgement from the outside world to get better.
Tuning out the expectations of others has been the most crucial step in healing and management of PTSD.
I am documenting my healing process which has been incredibly healing in itself.
What works for me might not work for others and I am not suggesting that I have all of the answers, but I am saying this is what I did, this is what's working, this is what is not working, take whatever you think will help you and leave the rest.
The first step toward healing is understanding.
***side note: How sad it was to find out that people I thought would be safe to share this information with ended up being the same people who would later use it to intentionally trigger the ptsd. WTF?!
My main trigger is feeling like I am being held against my will or "restrained".
If I can overcome my biggest vulnerability I will be stronger than ever.
I'm getting very strong these days.
The cure is absolutely in the pain.
The cure: Becoming so comfortable with being in uncomfortable situations that I can remove myself mentally rather than react to the triggers therefore turning triggers OFF.
Not as easy as it sounds but with practice I am getting better and better at it.
It does not happen overnight. I have been practicing mediation, refocusing my attention, and removing emotion a lot lately.
The circumstances of the corona virus quarantine mixed with the devastation of being made homeless and being restricted from my children immediately prior to that lock down going into effect propelled me into my healing and ultimately left me with time to redevelop routine.
Being alone provided me the time to examine how well simple practices like meditation, journaling, and creative expression work in becoming whole again.
Trauma piled up in a big disgusting mess of shit that no one can decipher...therapy is not my answer... my answer is to take out the garbage.
I throw it away. Its in the garbage. I am ok. and I will continue being ok by doing more of the things I have found to be effective and less of the things that are ineffective.
Lessons are only useful if the data collected is retained and adjustments are made.
I am living in an air bnb its a beautiful place. My roommates are cool and I have everything I need here. I do not need to worry about tomorrow, I only need to focus on today. I prepare for tomorrow by focusing on completing todays tasks. I am done blogging about my trauma. I am healed.
Now I am focused on growth.