Wednesday, January 29, 2020
We are all a work in progress... To cope with stress, I enjoy Yoga, Working out, Listening to music, journaling, creating content, talking with friends, and self reflection. I tried therapy multiple times and while I would encourage anyone who has found benefit in it to continue, ultimately it was not very beneficial for me.
I have lived and experienced more in my...30ish (lol) years on this planet than most people will in a lifetime. So much fun, so much love, so much pain, so much heartbreak, so much abuse, so much trauma, and so much EXPERIENCE.
I have experienced life in every social class, I have been in relationships and formed family bonds with so many different cultures, I have been truly blessed.
I have certainly had my moments where I thought I would never recover from some of those experiences.
I am not interested in revisiting the experiences anymore I am only interested in identifying the patterns that have brought me to where I am currently.
My intentions are not to complain and dwell on my life experience. I have learned how to be genuinely grateful for the lessons life has taught me and move forward from them.
I call life a 'Merciful Storm' I even have that phrase tattooed on the back of my thighs. Life gives us all good times and bad times, like a ship out to sea on a long expedition. There will be rainy days, there will be days when the wind is blowing so hard its difficult to stay on course, and some days storms will brew and batter your ship, but eventually the storm will clear, the sun will shine again. A strong captain will make pit stops to repair the ship from those damages but he will never quit the expedition until he reaches the destination for which he set out.
I choose not to dwell in the past but I will identify that my core fears of abandonment and being unlovable or too broken to be fixed are what brought me to this point in my life.
Those fears have caused me to reserve myself a seat on a ship that sets out with good intention but ends up circling the same 100 mile route over and over with the hopes of discovering new land, followed by great despair and sadness when I end up dropping anchor in the same exact location.
I have decided to pick my anchor up and set out on a new journey.
I know I am loveable and NOTHING in this world is broken beyond repair.
Even the most shattered of glass can be glued back together if you have the patience, motivation, determination, dedication, and persistence to get it done.
I am strength, motivation, dedication, consistency, and perseverance.
I have always been a giver and had the desire to improve the people and things around me. That desire has evolved from 'saving the world' to 'changing the world'.
We are all capable of changing the world.
In the past I tried to force change and save everyone I met. Presently I am more aware of my strengths and abilities and more determined than ever to turn my desires into realities by sharing experience with those who are ready to learn and letting go of the obligation I felt to force learning on those who are not ready.
I have humanized myself and removed so much weight from my shoulders by deciding to live within my own expectations and create opportunity for myself and those around me. I have shifted my vibrations and am therefore attracting individuals who believe and share common views. I offer help but do not force it. I set boundaries and turn down the white noise to allow the clear messages and lessons to resonate.
When I am in a position where I feel unable to physically escape the ideas and conflicting opinions of spectators, I am able to listen openly and take the messages that resonate while respectfully rejecting the rest.
I am far less impulsive and able to take into consideration a multitude of vital information that is needed to act in a way that benefits myself without causing unintentional harm to others.
I am dedicated to learning to growth. I am in love with life and have a clear view of where I am heading without agonizing over the fear of how I will get there. I have outlined the things that I find most important and made the conscious decision to stop at nothing to reach my goals in all areas including wellness, family, love, and personal development and career.
I am driven, creative, and innovative but humble.
I am not perfect. I do my best to remove toxicity from my environment and body, I am a work in progress and have let go of the idea that I have to have it all NOW.
I trust in the universe and in God and I am sure that the angels will lead me to my destiny. I am impatient at times but working actively on accepting things as they come and responding appropriately rather than forcing issues and jumping into darkness with no light.
I believe in Devine timing and trust my intuition more than I ever.
I am more confident than I have ever been and working my way through my past traumas and their residual effects. I am proud of myself as I have traveled incredibly far in my personal journey and I am excited to continue evolving into my best version. For myself and for my children who are my main source of motivation I have dedicated my life to being exactly who I am but better. A more refined and evolved version.
I will continue to improve in all areas of my personal and professional development and carry less resentment for the people and situations that have caused me harm in the past. I will continue to work on being the best most loving and compassionate mother and ultimately wife that a person could dream of while simultaneously embracing the wild, creative, artistic side of my personality. I am more than capable of conducting myself in a professional manner but chose not to take life so seriously for the most part.
I will lead by example and live with integrity. I will continue to make decisions as objectively as possible with an open mind and an open heart. I will accept help when it is offered but not take advantage of it. I will motivate myself rather than seeking approval or motivation from others. I will continue growing, learning, and teaching.
I will constantly work on maintaining and expanding my abilities.
-understanding of self
-managing anxiety as it arises
-reframing and dealing with loss
My greatest joy in life also been my greatest sadness in absence. The absence of my children. Their smiles, tears, hugs, and innocent but seemingly never ending list of questions, even the arguing between each other over our movie choice on our 'date nights'. The joy in their eyes when we play together. Failed attempts at helping with math homework that I don't understand even slightly… I miss it all so much.
In the big picture I understand that a few weeks/months without them is only a small amount of time and a small price to pay for growing and evolving into a stronger, grounded, and more stable woman.
I promised myself and my children that during the period we were apart and limited in communication, I would create something life changing.
Merciful storm is the love child of my pain and my hope.